The Future Freaks Me Out

I watched a documentary on Christmas day. Sounds boring, but there was a dry spell of good Christmas movies this holiday season; thus I found myself watching Ivy Dreams. The program documented the lives of four high school seniors in the 2005-2006 school year as they attempted to gain acceptance to elite colleges including Yale and Columbia. As soon as the commencement ceremonies began rolling on screen I felt a bit sick. "I'm graduating," I thought. "I'm not ready."

Part of me didn't want 2019 to come because the future freaks me out. After a year of AP classes, stress, and tiring emotions I wasn't prepared. I'd believed I was invincible which is foolish, but before then I'd achieved challenging goals and yielded positive results.

Junior year proved my humanity.

As an aspiring writer it was devastating when my English class caused me to lose interest in the hobby I was pursuing as a career and no matter how hard I worked I could never be good enough for anyone. Constantly met with "I expect her to do better," or "You could get an A," or "This is the worst report card you've ever had." Unsurprisingly I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety which worsened to the point of unmanageability. I had to ask myself an important question.

If I couldn't handle junior year how could I handle college?

I decided it would be in my best interest to take a gap year. Doing so would give me time to gain

composure, so I could work efficiently in a college setting, and work experience to have a better sense of personal responsibility. I've received negative reactions. Told that I'll become lazy, that I'll never go back to school, yet surprisingly many others have been supportive. My family warmed up to the idea well aware that I'm determined to pursue higher education. Aside from them women at the writing program I attend which has assisted me throughout the entire college process have given their support. One mentor said that her relative dropped out after her first semester at UC San Diego and a gap year would have been a better choice.

Of course June's a couple months away and I haven't received any letters yet. Somehow I may get a full ride and decide the opportunity's to good to reject. However I may decline. In my eyes it would be worse to take an offer and become overworked to the point of dropping out than taking a break and coming back when I can truly handle it.

As a friend said to me when I told our group chat about my fear of college, "Don't let societal norms get you, don't go to college if you don't think you wanna go yet. Don't feel pressured just because others are taking the path and you decide against it, there's nothing wrong with that. Just know this, you don't have to have your whole life figured out right now. Just do what you think you truly want to do as of right now. You'll figure it out along the way and just breathe, the world is waiting for you, but don't let others path steer you away from yours."

After that message another friend told her she should write a book and I second that notion.